"If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - nothing at all. The best things arrive on time." ~ Dorothy Gilman, A New Kind of Country, 1978
It puts into words so succinctly, something that I've been struggling to do as simply.... and without essay. At first it may seem a sombre statement, but it's so far from a sad realisation for me; It is an enlightenment that I can barely keep in. It's a confirmation that what I've felt so strongly and raged about - actually makes perfect sense.
I don't know Dorothy Gilman, but I love her for that quote. It seems anger and frustration have been the theme for so many events that have occurred in my life over the last few years. There have been long periods where I've struggled to make myself heard - verbally bashing my head against a brick wall in an attempt to be understood, to be appreciated; to be respected.
Have you ever got to that point when you realise that you've pushed so hard for something that, when it finally threatens to happen, you realise you no longer want it. It's not being spoilt, or that you don't know what you really want or that you can never be satisfied; it's that the continual fight to achieve something leaves the end result tainted. The pain, frustration and eventual exhaustion were just not worth it - the balance wasn't fair; the effort unjustified.
I have stood at the bottom of the mountain looking up; I tried my best to get to the top. At first, full of naive hope and positivity; slowly turning into a bitterness and anger that eventually gave way to indifference... and then I cried as I turned my back on what I saw was up there waiting for me... the realisation that this was someone else's mountain.
It's the pits. And what makes it worse is the paranoia that those around you believe that not only did you never make it to the top - but you didn't even try, didn't give it your all.
Well what good is giving your all when you end up spent and wasted with nothing left - there's being selfless and then there's plain stupidity. You HAVE to keep a bit for yourself otherwise what is left for somebody else to love?
The last part of Dorothy's quote also holds great weight for me.
It's true that the best things arrive on time and after all the sadness and disappointment, I realise now that I wouldn't change a thing if I could. If I'd not started that climb, I never would have experienced the view - I wouldn't have met the person I did on the way back down.
Now, there's no mountain.
Rob and I become closer after both going through divorces; we helped each other through the inevitable hardships that come with break-ups and the like, only to discover whilst doing so that actually, we are perfect for each other.
Perfect on so many levels. Ok, so there's the obvious one being we both love music and plan to start making music together,** though that is but a dusting on the already huge cake..... We're both creative, passionate and enthusiastic about the things we like; we love to talk well into the small hours about anything and everything.
**No rudeness intended; though yeah, there’s that as well ;-)
We go for walks along beaches and countryside, we drive to the shops just to nose around with no intention of buying anything.
Rob knows I love to make things, and always encourages my interests and hobbies, just as I try to bring out the things that make him tick (However; there's only so much Gary Moore I can take before I feel the need to start killing people).
We both love our food, particularly Italian, and find there’s nothing better than to share a lovely meal together with a nice bottle of something whilst watching crappy outtake television, Scrubs, Holby City, Blackadder, Red Dwarf, or one of the other many shows that we both share an appreciation of. We go on adventures… sometimes without even having to go past the front door.
But most of all, we laugh. I love a good giggle and have never spent so much time holding my stomach in pain from laughing so much. I feel comfortable in my own skin, utterly free to be myself. I don’t have to prove anything.
There is a whole new world opening up for me and I am so incredibly lucky.
There's an ocean of possibilities, let's go the whole cheesy hog and say that it's a field of dreams! I don't care, I'll crack open the bag of naff metaphors if that's what it takes to get it across; I am truly blessed.
I never thought I'd want to get married again. I thought that it should be a one time deal and who needs marriage anyway....
And now, here I am engaged to be married, doe eyed and with more vision of hope and promise than I did the first time around!! Oh no.... no tentative cynicism for me; no holding back. I'm gonna give it everything I have. Just because it wasn't right before, doesn't mean I should never be allowed to experience how it should be - in fact, after everything that has happened, I deserve a little happiness (The fact that I am now overwhelmed with it is not my fault, I don't mean to be greedy; it's just how it's turned out!!) and after all, as Dorothy said - the best things arrive on time; and now is my time.... our time.
I love him with every breath.
I just hope he knows it, and will spend the rest of my life making sure he does.
Kat - soppy, happy and overwhelmingly lucky xxx